5 Reasons To Be Glad You Don’t Have Wimbledon Tickets

By Lottie Coltman  |  Jul 11, 2017
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Ah, Wimbledon – the time of year when we all rally together (RALLY, get it?) and collectively reassign Andy Murray’s nationality, depending on his tennis performance. An historic event – famous for its genteel atmosphere, Royal attendees and the idle chatter of Clare Balding – it really is the quintessential British experience.

The sad fact is, however, that with the competition for tickets almost as high as for the cup itself, most of us will end up watching it from behind a screen.

But before you water down your Pimms with tears, we are here to tell you why bedside is better than courtside…

1. You don’t have to pretend that you want to eat strawberries and cream.

Don’t get us wrong, strawberries and cream is a very pleasant snack, but is it enough to sustain you during a whole day of competitive cheering (or should that be silent and repetitive head-turning)? NO! As supporters of pretty much all other sports know, you need chips, burgers, maybe even a kebab. The good news is that if you didn’t get tickets you can set up camp in bed, order in and pig out.

2. It doesn’t matter if you giggle at the grunts.

Ok, look, we’re all adults but let’s be honest here – tennis grunts are funny. They just are! In fact, they may well be one of the most entertaining things about tennis (just ahead of revealing outfits and stroppy players). But while the players are free to sound like a cacophony of pigs in a CrossFit class, courtside etiquette generally dictates that the audience keeps schtum. That means there are no crude chants to hide the fact that you have the emotional maturity level of a drunk three-year-old. But the only people who can judge you from the safety of your own home are your partner or pets (and possibly a neighbour if you have very thin walls). In other words, this is a safe zone – let go and enjoy.

3. You can get REALLY drunk.

Another thing that is frowned upon at Wimbledon is getting absolutely legless – something that is pretty much mandatory at all other British sporting events. Now, don’t get us wrong – you are encouraged to get quietly sozzled, but when we talk about Wimbledon performance we are, in part, talking about how good the crowd is at pretending they’re sober. At home there is no need for you to 1) put up a pretence and 2) share your jug of Pimms with anyone. It’s a win-win situation (or should we say game, set, match?).

4. Bathroom breaks for all!

Of course, if you have consumed enough booze to kill a small horse, keeping your composure is not going to be the only problem. You’re quite quickly going to want to make use of the facilities. But making your way out of a packed row of seats is awkward enough during a film, imagine having to do the “cinema sidestep” past the Queen?! Probably knocking over her handbag and kicking a Corgi in the process. That’s a lot of pressure for a nervous bladder! And imagine the queue once you get there. These, of course, are not problems you would have from the comfort of your own home, where you have constant access to your personal throne. And if you really don’t want to miss anything consider taking your laptop with you or, for the super keen, using a potty…

Accurate portrayal of what you would end up looking like in the queue for the toilets at Wimbledon.

5. Audience participation

Finally, why let the players have all the fun? Spectator sports are all well and good but sometimes it’s even better to join in (unless you’re watching long-distance running – the only marathon we want in our lives is of the Netflix variety, thank you very much). Use your duvet as a makeshift net, your pillows as rackets and train your dog to be ball boy/girl. And, an extra bonus, you won’t be rained off! In fact, the only liquids you have to worry about are spilled drinks (and we have a mattress protector for that).

So, there we go – all the reasons you could ever need to forgo the formalities and enjoy this year’s tournament from the place you love best. Now, THAT is a grand slam.

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