10 Worst Foods to Eat in Bed
Not all of us can be like George Costanza. We’ve never managed to eat a pastrami sandwich in bed without finding mustard smeared on our pillow case. George can eat a soft-boiled egg while having sex and somehow not end up covered in yolk. George is a master of the in-bed meal, unparalleled in bed-eating-prowess. This list is not for George. This list is for those of us with the normal skill set, for whom eating in bed can be risky. This list is cautionary, culled from personal experience. Listen to us! Keep your bed separate from these foods!
1. Eggs. The egg — a ticking time bomb, set to explode yolk all over everything only as soon as it approaches your bed. We mean, how does that stain even happen? Yeah, we know that Costanza could have handled this, but us normal bed-eaters have to stay away from yolk-splosions. Scrambled fans, you’re safe. This probably won’t happen to you.
2. Banana Split. Everyone has their own banana split technique. Some eat each ice cream flavor separately, then tuck into the bananas themselves. Some refuse the whip cream. Some may even skip the cherry on top. But regardless of how you do it, the banana split is a perfect storm of messy, sticky stuff to be avoided in bed. It will melt and drip, and your sheets will be super gross. Gew.
3. BBQ Ribs. We don’t want to get into the great BBQ debate. We don’t care whether our ribs are prepared Kansas City style or like how they do it in Memphis. What we do care about is that those ribs stay away from beds. Ribs do not belong in the bedroom.
4. Spaghetti Marinara. When was the last time you slurped up some spaghetti, and DIDN’T end up with tiny red flecks all over your shirt? Even when you think you’ve somehow gotten away with it, inevitably, maybe three hours later, someone will point out that small, red stain on your sleeve, and you’ll think to yourself, how did that even get there?! It’s worse when you’re lying down. You can’t control the flow of sauce in the same way. Your bed will end up covered. It’ll look like you left it outside during Tomatina.
5. Pizza. You know when you’re walking down the street, eating a slice of pizza, and the oil starts dripping out the back onto your paper plate, and even though you’re being as careful as possible, that oil lands on your shirt? Or maybe you wiped it from the corner of your mouth with the back of your hand and, without thinking, wiped the back of your hand on your pants. Oh, now there’s that glob of tomato sauce, just like the spaghetti marinara, and you’re out of napkins. If you’re trying to deal with all of this in bed, your bed will get stained. It’s unavoidable. And that oil stain is never coming out.
6. Fondue. Do we even have to say anything? This is a hot, painful disaster just waiting to happen. This is a fon-don’t.
7. Lobster. Rip off a piece, crack it open with a nutcracker in the shape of a lobster claw, dig your finger in there to get out all the meat, dip it in melted butter, eat, realize your hands and face are covered in lobster juice and butter, wipe hands and face, repeat. Keep lobsters out of your bed. Any food that comes with a bib is unsafe in the bedroom. Your sheets will thank you.
8. Hard Shell Tacos. Why do hard shell tacos even exist? The hard shell taco might be the least efficient self-contained food item ever. It will break and you will spill. There will be ground beef and sour cream in your lap if you’re not extremely careful. Try eating a hard shell taco in bed. Go to Taco Bell, get yourself a few Crunchy Taco Supremes, get cozy in bed and see what happens — we dare you. You’ll be finding shredded cheese between your sheets for months.
9. Sloppy Joe. Come on, this one’s in the name. Avoid this slop at all costs. If you eat this in bed, there will be a red, ground beef mess. You will regret it.
10. Buffalo Wings. Any food served with wetnaps should never come near your bed. Eat a wing and you’ll end up with sauce under your fingernails, and in your beard if you have one. You may think you got away with it. You’ll scrub your hands and the corners of your mouth. You’ll be so sure that you’re clean, that your sheets survived without incident, and then you’ll wake up the next day and there will be buffalo sauce in places you never knew existed. You don’t want this to happen. Buffalo sauce burns. Trust us.
— Joshua Segal