5 Ways to Free Yourself from a Clingy Cuddler
That was great, wasn’t it? And so was that beautiful moment that followed, where you two sank into one another and just enjoyed the moment. That’s rare, isn’t it? But now, it’s twenty minutes later and you’re stuck, a set of limbs on you like the tentacles of some giant squid, latched on and ready to drag you down into the briny deep. You need to get some sleep, but that’s nearly impossible seeing as your neck and left arm have gone numb. There’s so much space to your left, but how do you return to the safety of personal space without insulting your cuddle buddy? Breaking free from the loving claws of a clingy sleeper requires skill and careful execution. That isn’t to say it can’t be done. Here are some maneuvers to try when you can’t wriggle free.
1. The Little-by-Little
Sometimes completing a task requires a slow process of subtle moves. When you find yourself intertwined into a human origami, escaping may take more than one swift move. Try untangling yourself little-by-little. Roll around, take a break, remove the cuddler’s arm, take a break, and so on. If you do this quietly and cautiously, your partner will think you are just readjusting, and likely won’t notice when you discreetly scoot over to your end of the bed.
2. The Ross Gellar Hug n’ Roll
Like most essential life skills, the cuddle escape can be acquired by watching “Friends.” Ross beautifully lays out the perfect tactic to breaking out of a cuddle session without making your partner feel abandoned and hurt. As the title suggests, you simply hug your cuddle buddy, lovingly roll them to their side of the bed, and then roll over to your side. It’s much like the class ‘stop, drop and roll,’ except instead of preventing yourself from burning to death you are avoiding having to spend an entire night touching another human body. Just be sure to unwedge your arm.
3. The Snoring Separation
If you happen to be a gifted actor (or liar), then this is the strategy for you. Pretend like you’re fast asleep and let out some horrifically loud snores. Whomever you’re cuddling with will wake up and attempt to get you to stop, but you won’t budge will you?. Eventually, they’ll tire, realize their best bet is to scootch as far away from your snoring as possible and — you guessed it! — break the cuddle session. Sweet relief.
4. The Bathroom Breakout
Maybe you drank a lot of water before bed, maybe you didn’t. Either way, you can say you “have to pee,” when they ask why you’re prying their arms off. Then, leave the room, do whatever you have to do, and come back to find them fast asleep. Quietly get back into bed and place yourself on the opposite side of the bed. The obvious downside here is that this can only be used once a night — unless, that is, you want to be the owner for a very small bladder.
5. The Straightforward Bailout
Okay. This one demands some honesty, so it’s certainly not for everyone. Confidently release yourself from the tender clutch of your lover, and bolt to the empty side of the bed. If their grasp is too tight for you to break out of, try saying something like, “get off of me,” or “can you not?” This works best when your partner admires you for your blunt, straightforward attitude. And, really, honesty is the best option when it comes to sharing a bed with someone.
via Van Winkle’s