The Sleep Habits of Breakfast Cereal Mascots
Every morning you wake up, grab your favorite cereal, and have yourself some breakfast. Then you sit there in your kitchen, thinking about how great you slept last night, enjoying your Frosted Flakes — but have you ever thought about how your Tony the Tiger slept? What about Lucky the Leprechaun?
We’ve compiled a list of cereal mascots and their sleep habits so you never have to wonder again. Behold, a glimpse into their private lives and a detailed reportage of their sleep habits.
1. Tony the Tiger About fifteen years ago, Tony went to the doctor for a routine checkup. Tony’s vitals were fine, his blood pressure normal, but the doctor was a little concerned about the yellow in Tony’s eyes. Turned out Tony had hepatocellular jaundice of the eye, a symptom of hepatotoxicity, or chemically driven liver damage, a result of eating too many Supercharged Frosted Flakes. Sometimes, a tiger can change his stripes, so he’s stopped eating so much sugar and now he gets 7.2 hours of sleep a night, which is exactly the recommended sleep-length for humanoid tigers. He goes to bed and wakes up at the same time everyday, never falling victim to social jetlag. He doesn’t use an alarm clock because he doesn’t need one. Now he always wakes up feeling grr-r-eat, and his liver is in much better shape.
2. Sonny the Cuckoo Bird A total insomniac, Sonny feels like he never, ever sleeps. He’s turned to over-the-counter sleep aids, experimenting with Unisom and Zzzquil. Unfortunately, diphenhydramine doesn’t do shit to quiet Sonny’s mind at night. He’s tried valerian root and melatonin supplements to no avail. He misses the sweet embrace of the dream-world, and is planning a trip to the Mayo Sleep Clinic in Phoenix, Arizona to try to get a better understanding of his sleep problems.
3. Cap’n Crunch The Captain recently found out that he suffers from sleep apnea, a condition characterized by pausing in breathing during sleep. Though happy to know why he wakes up tired every morning, he’s concerned about dying in his sleep. Sleep apnea is really dangerous. But he’s devised a genius safety net: every night he crunchatizes a select group of devoted Cap’n Crunch fans, and inhales them. They then regulate his breathing from the inside. He’ll live to sleep another night.
4. Trix the Rabbit Trix suffers from several mood disorders, including kleptomania and intermittent explosive disorder. In other words, he tries to steal stuff and then gets really, really mad when he fails. He goes to sleep angry, which only makes it worse, because sleep actually preserves and enhances unpleasant emotions. The whole thing compounds itself into truly a nightmarish situation. Poor Trix, he really needs help.
5. BuzzBee Bees don’t sleep a lot in general, according to a recent study, but it’s particularly hard for BuzzBee. He suffers from PTSD due to a really rough upbringing, and when he closes his eyes, he relives parts of his abusive relationship with his father. Older bees are very particular about where they sleep, but BuzzBee is never comfortable in the hive. He’s always looking over his shoulder. It’s a brave face he puts on for the commercials.
6. Chef Wendell Chef Wendell suffers night terrors. Every time he lays his head to rest, memories of his old friends and coworkers Bob and Quello, who “disappeared” in 1992, flash before his eyes. No one knows what happened to them, but some suspect that Wendell is responsible. He may have tried to dispose of the bodies via cereal box prize, which is why Cinnamon Toast Crunch discontinued their prizes right around the time of the disappearance. It’s a modern day cereal based, “tell-tale heart” situation. No wonder Wendell has bad dreams.
7. Larry the Quaker Larry sleeps really, really well.
8. Bigg Mixx The result of a terrifying genetic experiment, Bigg Mixx is part rooster, part moose, part pig, and part wolf. All these pieces don’t mix together that well, genetically speaking, so Bigg Mixx is in a constant state of sleep deprivation, confusion, and pain. He tries to self-medicate with marijuana, but it doesn’t help his sleep. He’s worried he’ll roam Yakima Valley, scaring hikers, for the rest of his life. All he wants is some peace and quiet, and a good night’s sleep.
9. Lucky the Leprechaun Lucky’s been sleeping much better lately! He always thought everyone was after his lucky charms, but it turns out that he was actually struggling with paranoid schizophrenia, which kept him up at night, to say the least. His parents thought it was a cute joke at first – his yells about his imaginary friends chasing him, yearning for his hearts, stars, and horseshoes – but it finally got to be too much for them and they had him institutionalized. His medication has sleep-inducing side effects, and his doctors are confident he’ll be able to manage his condition with counseling. He’ll be okay.
– Josh Segal