THE SLEEP HABITS OF BREAKFAST CEREAL MASCOTS

By Alyse Borkan  |  Jan 26, 2017
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Every morning you wake up, grab your favorite cereal, and have yourself some breakfast. Then you sit there in your kitchen, thinking about how great you slept last night, enjoying your Frosties — but have you ever thought about how Tony the Tiger slept? What about Coco the Monkey?

We’ve compiled a list of cereal mascots and their sleep habits so you never have to wonder again. Behold, a glimpse into their private lives and a detailed reportage of their sleep habits.

  1. Tony the Tiger: About fifteen years ago, Tony went to the doctor for a routine checkup. Tony’s vitals were fine, his blood pressure normal, but the doctor was a little concerned about the yellow in Tony’s eyes. Turned out Tony had hepatocellular jaundice of the eye, a symptom of hepatotoxicity, or chemically driven liver damage, a result of eating too many Supercharged Frosted Flakes. Sometimes, a tiger can change his stripes, so he’s stopped eating so much sugar and now he gets 7.2 hours of sleep a night, which is exactly the recommended sleep-length for humanoid tigers. He goes to bed and wakes up at the same time everyday, never falling victim to social jetlag. He doesn’t use an alarm clock because he doesn’t need one. Now he always wakes up feeling grr-r-eat, and his liver is in much better shape.
  1. Coco The Monkey: A total insomniac, Coco feels like he never, ever sleeps. He’s turned to over-the-counter sleep aids, experimenting with Nytol and Natrasleep. Unfortunately, diphenhydramine doesn’t do shit to quiet Coco’s mind at night. He’s tried valerian root and melatonin supplements to no avail. He misses the sweet embrace of the dream-world, and is planning a trip to the Support and Sleep Centre in Cambridge to try to get a better understanding of his sleep problems.
  1. The Honey Monster: The Honey Monster recently found out that he suffers from sleep apnea, a condition characterized by pausing in breathing during sleep. Doctors believe that this was bought on by the fact that Honey Monster doesn’t have a nose. Though happy to know why he wakes up tired every morning, he’s concerned about dying in his sleep. Sleep apnea is really dangerous. But he’s devised a genius safety net: every night he pufferizes a select group of devoted Sugar Puff fans, and inhales them. They then regulate his breathing from the inside. He’ll live to sleep another night.
  1. Captain Rik: Rik suffers from several mood disorders, including kleptomania and  intermittent explosive disorder. In other words, he tries to steal stuff and then gets really, really mad when he fails. He goes to sleep angry, which only makes it worse, because sleep actually preserves and enhances unpleasant emotions. The whole thing compounds itself into truly a nightmarish situation. Poor Rik, he really needs help. If you look closely, really look deep into Rik’s eyes, you’ll see the pain.
  1. Loopy: Bees don’t sleep a lot in general, according to a recent study, but it’s particularly hard for Loopy. He suffers from PTSD due to a really rough upbringing, and when he closes his eyes, he relives parts of his abusive relationship with his father. Older bees are very particular about where they sleep, but Loopy is never comfortable in the hive. He’s always looking over his shoulder. It’s a brave face he puts on for the Adverts.
  1. Scott: Scott sleeps like a log, which is ironic because he spends his days tossing them. When Scott was younger he couldn’t seem to get warm in bed, no matter what he tried. Two duvets, wearing socks… nothing worked. He put this down to the fact he spent his days outside in a kilt but wanted a second opinion. His Doctor advised him that he had peripheral artery disease or PAD which was cutting off the blood supply to his legs and feet. After some medication, all was right as rain and now Scott leads a happy, healthy, porridge filled life.

 

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